Change for all

I am writing this post with mixed emotions. Saturday night at 8pm, March 8, 2015 was my last nursing session with our son, Brody. 

Clint helped me make the decision late Saturday night.  It was time for me and Brody.  19 wonderful month of Brody's life I have nursed him and loved the special bond we have.  He is a mama's boy and I hope he stays that way (well until he gets married and then it is his wife's heart that is his). 

Sunday morning. Clint went to get him when he woke up and I stayed out of sight getting ready for church.  Usually feeding him is the first thing we do every day, so keeping him distracted was key.   We have been introducing him to almond milk, so Clint gave him that and some organic cereal to munch on.

Giving him and Ava a bath before church also helped to distract, since they LOVE baths. 

He 9/10 wants to nurse about 9:45am during church service and asked to yesterday and I kept telling him no and Clint again distracted him.

We played outside yesterday afternoon in the 60 degree weather and he napped during our small group. He asked a few more times, but I would just say "no, all done" and he would whimper and then be ok.

We got home and I started cleaning. I clean when I am upset.  So I cleaned the house, to try not to think that the dreaded change in bedtime routine that was about to happen.  I avoided sending him to bed until the last possible minute.  I gave him kisses and hugs and he looked at me like he knew something was about to happen.  My heart broke.  I gave one last hug, went to our bedroom and cried. And cried.  Ava found me in the bathroom peeing.....and crying.  She asked what was wrong and gave me a hug (still on the toilet might I add haha).  I told her that I was sad because I wasn't feeding Brody anymore because he's a bog boy.  I also told her I was sad and cried when I stopped feeding her.  She seemed to understand and asked to cuddle in the bed until it was time for her to go to bed.  Ahhh yes please!

Clint would leave the room.  Brody would cry.  I would cry harder.  He would go check on him and then leave.  Brody would cry.  This went on for about an hour and then he fell asleep.  We put Ava to bed and then I went to bed and cried. 

My boobs are hurting.  They are rock solid.  Heavy, like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  They will stay this painful for a couple to a few days and then be fine.  Your body knows when it is time.  I could pump to relieve the pressure, but that prolongs the process in my mind.  Go big or go home. 

I am sad today. This post is hard to write without sobbing. I probably will be sad for a few days "mourning" the loss of nursing my kids.  Lord, willing we are done having kids, so this was my last time to have that special connection with them.  Brody and I will grow a different bond to replace this one.  Ava and I did.  It is a part of the growing process and the first major strings to release from them.  (I could totally be Beverly Goldberg, from the ABC tv show!)

I love my kids and would do anything for them, even let them go to grow into the people God wants them to be.  It is hard and literally painful right now, but change is hard.  If we don't adapt and change, we die!